I looked up “glass ceiling” on Wikipedia, where it’s defined as “an invisible barrier that prevents women, as well as minorities […] from reaching top positions in business or politics.” In the Western world, with its growing—or at least declared—acceptance of diversity, these barriers are openly discussed, and steps are taken to reduce them.
Today, however, I’d like to write about another invisible barrier—one I wasn’t aware of until recently.
James Hollis, an American Jungian psychoanalyst, often recalls Jung’s observation that perhaps the greatest burden a child must carry is the unlived life of the parent. Unlived in the sense that the parent did not live life to the fullest. Wherever the parent got stuck, the child (and later the adult child) will also tend to get stuck—or may swing to the opposite extreme, taking exaggerated actions out of proportion to the situation. Hollis writes that living our journey through life as fully as possible is not only a gift to our own soul, but also a gift of freedom to the next generation—to live their life fully. If we have children, our task is to free them from ourselves—from our limitations, fears, immaturities, weaknesses, lethargy, and unhelpful behavioral patterns.
Hollis writes movingly that the history of the world might have unfolded differently if healthy, wise, mature, and conscious parents had said something like this to their children:
“Who you are is terrific. You are here to become yourself as fully as you can. Always weigh the costs and consequences of your choices as they affect others, but you are here to live your journey, not someone else’s and certainly not mine. I am living my journey so you won’t have to worry about me. You have within you a powerful source — call it your instinct, your intuition, your gut wisdom — which will always tell you what is right for you. Serve that, respect that. Be generous to yourself and others, but always live what is right for you. Life is really rather simple: if you do what is right for you, it is right for you and others. If you do what is wrong for you, it will be wrong for you and others. Know that we may not always agree on things, and that is fine, because we are different people, not clones. Always know that I will respect you and value you no matter your choices, and you will always find here people who love you and care for you.”
Hollis goes on:
“ Where I am stuck, my children will be stuck or will be diverting a significant amount of energy to compensate to get unstuck. Where I am bound by fear, by lack of permission, they will be bound. Where I am looking to others to help me evade growing up, either they will replicate my immaturity or become unduly burdened by responsibilities. As parents, mentors, leaders of one kind or another, we are called to grow up, take care of business, gain our own authentic journeys, and thus lift this terrible distraction to the soul off those whom fate has brought into our care. That is how we are healed, our children healed, and their possibilities liberated.”
For me personally, these words are deeply moving. What about you?
Where do you think your parents got stuck? Where are you stuck? In what area of your life do you need to grow up? What might your “stuckness” mean for your children? And what can you do to begin changing it?
In this post, I’ve quoted excerpts from James Hollis’s book Living an Examined Life: Wisdom for the Second Half of the Journey.